Seclusion

I was sitting outside with my dog last night. It was late... probably about 11'ish. I was overwhelmed with a sense of feeling incredibly secluded, and not from any one thing, BUT EVERYTHING.
Today it seems as though I am walking in a bubble... I use 'bubble' instead of 'cloud' because I'm seeing things clearly. I can see all my friends, classmates, coworkers, family members, aquaintances and neighbors... I see all of you. But, it's like I'm not 'connecting.' I kinda wish I were walking in a cloud.... then things would just be hazy and I wouldn't realize I'm walking in a cloud (:
Anyway, I'm just not sure what I'm trying to say. I just feel funny. I've noticed myself pulling back... from a lot of things the past two weeks. That's what grieving does too me. Instead of reaching out, I shrink in, and put up walls. I'm sorry for doing this. I realize that in doing so, I could be hurting some of you. That is not my intention... I don't even have intentions at this point!
I feel the necessity to surround myself with those I've known for some time. Those that are closest. i'm going to be honest, my patience level, or my 'caring' level, is lacking during these times. I don't want to be grieving ALL the time... sometimes I want to be happy... sometimes I get easily irritated or angry... I laugh at odd times, but, that's not completely abnormal. I get claustrophobic real easy.... At times, I'm not very talkative-feeling. I sometimes can't think beyond yes or no and therefore lack any creativity or character or thought, in my answers. Which can make for pretty boring conversation. I lose my thought - line - process rather often... and just stop talking. Sorry (:

There are days when I am so overwhelmed with responsibility, or the feeling of, that I push push push myself to get things done.
Then there are days, that the weight is too much to bear, so I seemingly brush it aside and just go about my day in a cloud... lol... yes, cloud, I meant to use it that time. Sometimes the cloud is easier to handle 'cause it's in those times that I'm not fully aware, fully conscious, fully... feeling.

So you may ask.... "What the heck are you doing to get through... what is your goal at this point, how are you handling this???"

The easiest way... is to take every thought captive. Take every picture, every word, every deed, every song, everthing... take it captive. Hold it too His light, and make Him show me the beauty in it all.

Every picture, is of something You've created.
Every word, is born of a seed You've planted.
Every deed, is an action to bring You honor.
Every song, is a song to You...

IE... everything is being taken captive and given back... 'cause that's all i know to do... and I know that in His hands... it's all safe... He'll bring it back when the time is right and I'm ready for it.

b-a-l-a-n-c-e

in a trance
the wind blows soft
a simple glance
to see you oft
just the chance
my thoughts go aloft
take your stance
please don't scoff
lets...
keep...

the balance

Sometimes I Feel

Maybe I'm not a chosen one
You've hardened my heart like Pharoahs.

I wouldn't say this is where I am at... but, sometimes don't you want to throw your hands up and seemingly give up??? There are times, when I feel the things I HAVE To think about are SO incredibly overwhelming, that I feel I will drown at the mere thought of thinking them through.. (yea, mull over that one for a little bit)...
There are times when I want to do what Tom Hanks 'did' in Forrest Gump... He just ran.

"That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. So I ran to the end of the road, and when I got there, I thought maybe I'd run to the end of town. And when I got there, I thought maybe I'd just run across Greenbow County. And I figured since I run this far, maybe I'd just run across the great state of Alabama. And that's what I did I ran clear across Alabama. For no particular reason, I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. And when I got there, I figured since I'd gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured since I've gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going. When I got tired, I slept. When I got hungry, I ate. When I had to go, you know, I went. "

And when asked why he was running... he said, "I just wanted to run."

I kinda wanna do that... Just to get away from everything... everyone, too. But, then there are people I would desperately miss. Marisa, the way you make me smile; bethany & bianca, the way you make me want to stay young forever; Mom, you've always survived... so can I, right? Toni, oh toni... you make me think of things in a different way. Cheryl, ah... what more can be said, I'd never se able to sum up what you've done in my life... you're a rock too me... always there, unchanging... Pegs, Candy Mountain... you just put me in the right place. David, you're just David, and you are you, and that made me see that being me, was okay too. Richard, your laugh... and the joy you see in the simplest of things, you make life uncomplicated.

But, one of these days... I just want to live. No work. No car worries. No time worries. No grades. No appointments. I kinda want my brain to go to much for a few months.

Anyway... that's what I was thinking about today... what would it be like to run and not stop... just.... run...

It Comes Full Circle...

Argh. This is a struggle that I battle with OVER AND OVER.
I used to think that people on the street corners asking for money were just scamming, were just lazy, were just... drunks, addicts, whatever, you name it. I never thought there was a good enough reason for someone to be homeless begging for food.

Then I had a change of heart... I started buying them food, or just giving them money... you know help a brother out. Then there were a few times, in a row, that I realized the person I was helping was just spending the money on alcohol, or anything else other than food.

So then I quit giving. I started looking the other way. And then recently I've been listening to this song by Mark Wills... one of the stanzas goes like this:

'I'm the cripple on the corner You've passed me on the street And I wouldn't be out here beggin' If I had enough to eat And don't think I don't notice That our eyes never meet I lost my wife and little boy when Someone crossed that yellow line The day we laid them in the ground Is the day I lost my mind And right now I'm down to holdin' This little cardboard sign... so don't laugh at me Don't call me names Don't get your pleasure from my pain In God's eyes we're all the same Someday we'll all have perfect wings Don't laugh at me'

So... I love that little voice of reason and compassion and grace that every once in a while asserts itself and makes me see the other side. Here's what it said, 'Crissy, you aren't responsible for what that person does with the money that you give them. You are responsible for helping where you see a need, and if you're able... how would you want to be treated if you were in the same position...?' And really, that's what it boils down too; God forbid I am ever in that position, however, if I were, how would I feel if I had to sit under the hot sun day in and day out with no hope of even knowing what tomorrow would bring.... how would I feel if you just drove by me and you wouldn't even make eye contact??? Oh... I'd be mortified, hurt, ashamed, sad. So, I guess I say all that to say... I'm back to handing out my money... If I have it... I'm going to give it...

Live, Laugh, Love
Crissy

She's A Survivor

In October 2006 my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. You know I pride myself in being strong. I pride myself in controlling my emotions. I pride myself in being, cold? Yea, that's it... If I show you how I FEEL than there in your hands you have control over me. Yea, I know how stupid that sounds. There was only one time in my life that I lost it... and I've never told you this mom... but, it was the night I got the call that you DID indeed have breast cancer. I will never forget that night... I was working at Wholly Grounds, in the back room washing dishes. I remember hearing those words, hanging up... and not understanding why I couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't ... cry. I leaned against the rack and all went black... and a voice within me said, 'You can do it. She needs YOU to be strong.' I wasn't strong that night. It was a good thing I had the shoulder of a good friend...
But now I want to tell you... I love you and I am so glad that you no longer have to fight the cancer fight. I want to tell you... the last time I ran in the Breast Cancer Awareness 5K I thought of you and thought... I'm doing this for my mommy. This year... I'll run it again... and it's for you. 'Cause I love you so much! I want to good for you... Peggi and I are trying to get our time down to 30 minutes together... I ran last night and was able to run the 5K in 30 min 30 sec... so... you see you'll have someone representing you that is decent (:
I love you....

Wreckless Abandon Wrapped in Common Sense

Is that possible...?
oh the happiness of just doing whatever you want... note here that I say happiness. There is limited joy in following your own way of doing things. I am coming to realize this more and more.
However, it's nice to have no rules... no limitations.
I am enjoying life and can't wait to see what's out there.
May I not get lost.
May you guide me and protect me.

Forgiveness

So about 4 years ago I found out that someone acquired my social security number and used it to open a utilities account. This is all fine and dandy right... well, it was until I found out... I found out after they had racked up a $5,000 bill, give or take a few pennies. Now, unfortunately, due to irony and the circumstances that followed, this nice little credit piece is STILL on my credit history. Ugh. I have one last thing to do, maybe two, then I can get off my credit history.
So, with that little background piece... I was thinking about this last night and God was like, have you forgiven that person? And, I was like, well, uhm, no... because I don't know who to forgive, and all I know is this person has really inconvenienced me several times. It's been quite frustrating. However, the point still remains, and the question still hovers over my head like a foreboding cloud... 'Have I forgiven this faceless, nameless person?'
Up unto this point I haven't. I have felt quite justified in my anger and frustrations towards this person. The truth of the matter is... my anger and frustration and lack of forgiveness has NOT affected this person... it has, however affected me.
Ugh. LOL. The irony. Did I ask for this person to cause me inconveniences and take advantage of me? No... but, I have allowed my lack of forgiveness to control my emotions, to control my frustrations, to show anger and sadness. To take away my smile. How silly. This nameless, faceless person I have managed to allow to manipulate me. Ugh. And all due to my lack of forgiveness.
So, here I am to say, 'I forgive you. I love you. And, I pray for you. Pray that God's son will show himself to you, and that you would come to know the fullness of His love.'

In Christ, Crissy

Bring the Rain?

"I can count a million times People asking me how I Can praise You with all that I've gone through The question just amazes me Can circumstances possibly Change who I forever am in You Maybe since my life was changed Long before these rainy days It's never really ever crossed my mind To turn my back on you, oh Lord My only shelter from the storm But instead I draw closer through these times So I pray Bring me joy, bring me peace Bring the chance to be free Bring me anything that brings You glory And I know there'll be days When this life brings me pain But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above because you are much greater than my pain you who made a way for me suffering your destiny so tell me whats a little rain Holy, holy, holy Holy, holy, holy is the lord God almighty is the lord God almighty I'm forever singing" -MercyMe

What happens... when I can't withstand the rain. When I don't withstand the rain? Can glory be found in that? You are a selfish God... of course glory can be found in that... to think of a love... a God who would continue to seek a people that turns their back on Him day in... day out. There is the glory... the wonder.
I'm sorry. I'm not strong enough. That's when and why and where I need You to be. You see my struggles... You hear my heart my mind, my soul and flesh warring with one another. Bring Your wrath so I can see Your grace. I don't deserve it. I almost don't want to accept it... that's foolishness I know... but, again I tell You... I am just not strong enough.

Everything rides on hope now.

In God.... Failure Is Not Final (Prt2)

The stories of a few in the Bible where we are shown that in God, our failure is not final.

The Adulteress Women (John 8)

"I believe that the world is full of tragic people who have betrayed what they knew to be right and are afraid to try again, and who think God has no further use for those who fail in their first endeavors." (E.M. Blaiklock)
How many times I have failed - screwed up - and thought that was it for me; that no longer could I be called a, "child of God." I presume it's a ploy of satan's to get me to believe that I am no longer worthy of salvation. The irony is - I never was worthy - and on my own, will never be worthy... When I allow my failures to dictate whether I have salvation or NOT, I take it out of God's hands, and somehow try to justify that at one point - I actually deserved what He did for me. The truth of the matter is - I am only saved due tto Christ hanging for me. My failure(s) as a Christian don't negate Christ's saving grace - but exploits, no magnifies His saving grace.
"My greatest glory consists, not in NEVER failing, but in rising every time I fall -

"7But me, I'm not giving up. I'm sticking around to see what God will do. I'm waiting for God to make things right. I'm counting on God to listen to me. Spreading Your Wings 8-10Don't, enemy, crow over me. I'm down, but I'm not out. I'm sitting in the dark right now, but God is my light.I can take God's punishing rage. I deserve it—I sinned.But it's not forever. He's on my side and is going to get me out of this.He'll turn on the lights and show me his ways. I'll see the whole picture and how right he is. And my enemy will see it, too, and be discredited—yes, disgraced!..." Micah 7

As with the women who was brought before Jesus... the one who was caught in the act of adultery... it doesn't matter with who she was sinning with... what matters is her standing with Christ... it didn't matter who was condemning her, 'cause they weren't going to justify her. Christ sends us a gentle command, 'leave your life of sin...' As His daughter, this lady was justified by his forgiveness and motivated by his command to 'sin no more...'

May I remember that no matter what I bring to the Lord... He doesn't condemn... He forgives and commands that I sin no more... Failure in Christ is not final...

"though a righteous man falls seven times, he still rises... (not on our own strength, but, In the strength of the blood that was shed for us."

Proverbs 24:16

With God... Failure Is Not Final (Prt I)

The stories of a few in the Bible where we are shown that in God, our failure is not final.

Women @ Sychar's Well (John 4)

This women encountered Christ by happenstance (outward appearance), but she was destined to encounter Christ eventually. Christ is (though we may not be outwardly confessing our need for Him or actively seeking Him) always accepting us with open arms and actively meeting us at our need each day - He is actively waiting for us to see Him as we go about fulfilling our daily tasks or need or want.
Even when we encounter Him with hidden shame... He is there waiting to listen... to shed light on our darkness - to voice truth and love too us, and too show is what we need (in the case of the women), to show her that her deeds are not the way she shall worship God - but she shall, we shall - worship Him in Spirit and Truth. Listen to how The Message puts it:

21-23"Believe me, woman, the time is coming when you Samaritans will worship the Father neither here at this mountain nor there in Jerusalem. You worship guessing in the dark; we Jews worship in the clear light of day. God's way of salvation is made available through the Jews. But the time is coming—it has, in fact, come—when what you're called will not matter and where you go to worship will not matter.
23-24"It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."

Jesus doesn't stop coming to us 'cause we fail - He is always there... we stop seeing when we embrace our failure as the finality to our story. Understand that in Christ failure is not final. Take a page from calvary itself... any evil utterly committed to God can be transformed into that which is good, and rich, and fruitful. Hear the words of Solomon, "16 The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again. But one disaster is enough to overthrow the wicked." Proverbs 24:16

In Christ, Crissy